Men are from Mars, Women are from PS4 921
by SPT
Summary: It's not the first time Mitchell and Jackson have had girl troubles, but it's definately one of the strangest.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: ** Men are from Mars, Women are from PS4-921

**Disclaimer:** I don't own or have any rights to Stargate SG-1, blah, blah, you've seen it all before

**Rating: **K+

**Comments: **What can I say, I've got the bug. Especially now that I'm on rotation and have that ever elusive thing: free time. I apologize to all the Sam, Teal'c, and Vala fans. I love their characters too, but I don't feel I write them very well yet, so I tend to focus on Cameron and Daniel. Not real sure where this one is going to go, but I'm hoping it'll be a fun trip.

"You know, all in all its not such a bad planet to be stuck on." Mitchell blinked at the scathing look from Jackson. "What?! Ok, so you're pissed because your work is at the SGC and you're stuck here. But, come on, sunlight, great weather, gorgeous scenery." Cam gestured expansively to prove his point. "Besides, Gen Landry told us to take the day off."

As much as Daniel hated to admit it, Cameron had a point. There were much worse places they could be stuck for a day while Walter trouble shooted the problem with the SGC gate.

PS4-921 appeared to be an uninhabited tropical paradise. Upon stepping through the gate, Vala had immediately lamented the fact that they couldn't spend any time on the beach. Maybe now she'd get her wish. Mitchell didn't even want to think about what she would use for a bathing suit; if she bothered with one at all.

They had left Sam and Vala at the gate to work the diagnostics from this end. Cam and Daniel were off to find a suitable water source in case this took longer than anyone planned. Poor Teal'c had been stuck in council meetings for the last three days and would probably be there for at least three more. Daniel felt bad that the big guy would miss this chance to relax a bit.

"So, you think the Ancients were really here?"

Daniel adjusted his glasses. "Well, this planet was on the list that Jack entered into the database. However, considering the absolute lack of any evidence of a civilization, I'd say they didn't stay for long."

"Craziness. I would have at least built a vacation home here." Mitchell's smartass grin disappeared as his foot was yanked from underneath him and he shot up into the air.

Jackson did his absolute best not to laugh, but Cameron's face had been absolutely priceless. It took a second for the implications of Mitchell hanging in the air to set in. He quickly followed Cameron's lead and brought his gun up to search for any activity in the area. After several minutes of searching, both of them lowered their weapons.

"Jackson, a little help here."

"Sure, just let me do one thing first." Daniel doubled over and laughed until tears flowed from his eyes. When he could breathe again, he straightened up and began looking for the release.

"Glad you're enjoying this," Mitchell grumbled. He wasn't about to admit to Jackson that he was pretty sure his foot was no longer attached to his leg.

"I'm sorry, aren't you supposed to be the ever observant military genius?"

"Yeah, but hanging out with you for so long must have brought my genius level down a few notches."

"Har, har."

"Only kidding, Jackson. You and Sam have definitely raised my IQ a couple of points."

"Yes, well…"

Now it was Cameron's turn to laugh. "We are NEVER going to live this down, you know."

Daniel was too busy trying not to throw up from his sudden ascent to answer.


	2. Chapter 2

"That's it on my end Walter, all yours now."

"Thank you for the help Col. Carter. We should be able to bring you back in 8-10 hours. General Landry has given orders for you and the rest of SG-1 to take the rest of the day off."

"We know, thank you Walter. We'll stay close to the gate incase you need anything."

"Thanks Col."

It took Vala and Sam another few minutes to replace the control panel on the DHD. Afterwards they sat back in the tall grass and enjoyed the sun on their faces.

"What do you suppose the boys are up to?"

"Oh, I'm sure Daniel is giving Cameron hell for being stuck here." Sam smiled at the thought of that conversation.

"And I would wager that Col. Mitchell has talked my Daniel into having a bit of fun. I think they are just hanging around somewhere in the woods relaxing."

**STARGATE: SG-1**

"Ok, here's the plan. We still have our guns, so you shoot my vine and then I'll let you down."

"Mitchell, please tell me you're not lacking that much common sense. We have to be at least twenty-five feet up."

"Oh come on. Jackson, you're depth perception is as bad as your singing." He laughed at Daniel's surprised face, "I've heard you in the locker room."

Jackson blushed.

"Besides, how many bones have you broken falling off something?"

Jackson thought for a minute. "Seven," he admitted sheepishly.

"Ha, I've haven't broken a single one." He eyed Daniel's raised eyebrow, "from falling off of something. Antarctica doesn't count. Trust me, I know how to fall, so shoot me down already." Truth was, Mitchell knew he wouldn't be able to handle the strain on his ankle much longer.

"Fine, have it your way." Daniel took careful aim and let loose a couple of rounds.

Cam prepared himself during his short fall and was able to execute a near perfect tuck and roll. Until he tried to stand up. The pain in his ankle took his breath away and he immediately sat back down.

Jackson frowned with concern, " You ok Mitchell?"

"Oh yeah. Just debating weather or not I should actually let you down. After all, you did laugh at me." Cameron couldn't help but chuckle when Daniel started sputtering, it wasn't often that he managed to catch the boy genius out. "Relax, Jackson, I'm working on it."

Cam stood up and gingerly put some weight on his left ankle. The pain was still there but not quite as bad as it had been the first time. His bright blue eyes followed the vine holding Daniel back to its origin. "Ok Jackson, have you down in a jiffy."

The release looked to be in some very tall, very thick undergrowth. Jackson watched as Mitchell battled his way into the middle of it. He hadn't missed the fact that Cameron was moving very stiffly or that he was keeping the majority of his weight off that left ankle.

"What the…"

A muffled grunt followed by a dull thud brought Daniel's attention back to the undergrowth. "Mitchell?"

No response.

The next thing Jackson knew he was falling through the air. Without time to prepare himself for the landing, he fell hard onto his right side. He rolled onto his back and attempted to take a deep breath but his lungs refused to comply. A female face filled his vision just before he lost consciousness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok, so this one is pretty short, but I wanted to put something up before I went out of town. More to come next week.**

"What do you suppose they are?"

"I do not know, but they are like us in many ways. They move, speak, and apparently think similarly to us." The strikingly tall female shared a look with her shorter companion. "However, they are also different in some very interesting ways."

The two women took a long appreciative look at their captives. Both imposters wore only short garments around their hips.

The two women weren't the only ones enjoying the scene, nearly the entire tribe had turned out to view the captives tied to the posts in the village center. Some of the women held their hands over their daughter's eyes, while others considered covering their own eyes. The looks on the women's faces ranged from abject fear, to curiosity, to absolute glee.

Nothing like these two beings had ever entered their little community. The differences were indeed quite intriguing.

Daphne, the taller female scrutinized the similarities between the two captives. "Do you think all of their race look like this?"

"One can hope. Shall we untie them?"

"No, we must make sure they will not harm us first." Both women quieted as one of their captives began to stir.

Daniel tried to groan, but to do that you had to breathe and apparently breathing didn't appear to be an option for him right now. The last thing he remembered was hanging upside down next to Cameron. Mitchell!!

Jackson forced his eyes to open. Looking over to his left, Daniel was relieved to see Mitchell's blurry form tied to a post a few feet away.

Relieved that Cam was at least somewhat okay, Daniel began to take stock of himself. Having his arms stretched over his head was definitely not the most comfortable position, especially considering the blue tinge that started at his shoulder, run down his rib cage and disappeared under the waistband of his underwear.

Why was he in his underwear, and better yet, why was he hearing women giggling?

He slowly raised his head, afraid of what he might find. Sure enough, 50 scantily clad women laughing at him was not high on his list of "good" things. Although, one almost came to expect it with this job. Almost.


	4. Chapter 4

Sam let out a sigh as she snuggled deeper into the warm grass. This was definitely one of the better days off she'd had in awhile. She reluctantly raised her arm to consult her watch. That couldn't be right, no way she'd been asleep for five hours.

Next to her, Vala also let out a contented sigh. "That nap was even better than going to the beach."

"Um hmm," Sam murmured still trying to stretch the last remnants of sleep from her body. "I'm surprised the guys didn't wake us when they got back."

"They're back?" Vala sat up and took a quick survey of the immediate vicinity.

"They should have been back hours ago."

Carter and Vala shared an 'oh shit!' look. "You would think that we would know better than to send those two off alone by now."

"I know. Daniel is a magnet for trouble and Cam doesn't exactly repel it." They headed off in the direction the guys had taken. Sam glanced back at Vala, "you know how to track, right?"

"Um, sure."

The cheesy grin on Vala's face did nothing to reassure Sam.

Half an hour later, they reached a small clearing that had obviously hosted a lot of people recently. "Okay, I have no idea how to track, but even I can tell something happened here."

Vala reached down and picked up the shiny object that had caught her attention a moment before. "And my Daniel doesn't usually leave these laying around." She held up Jackson's glasses.

"Oh boy. I think it might be time to call in the Calvary on this one."

"Um hmm."

**STARGATE: SG-1**

"Mitchell? Come on, time to wake up. We've got a bit of a situation here." Daniel had been trying for the last five minutes and it looked like he might be getting somewhere finally.

Cam's head rolled to the side and he glanced at Jackson through hooded eyes. "Mm, no green eggs and ham."

"What?!" but Mitchell was out again.

"I fear I may have hit your friend harder than was necessary." The majority of the women had gone back to their work, but Daphne had stayed to observe the interaction between the captives; as one sided as it was.

"Why did you hit him at all?" Daniel squinted up at the tall woman. What he wouldn't give for his glasses right now.

"He discovered Anna, I was afraid he would attack her," Daphne stated defensively. She eyed Jackson. "What are you?"

Daniel did his best to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "I am a human from a planet called earth. You're also human aren't you?"

Daphne moved to sit cross-legged in front of him. "We have evolved from a race of humans. Our legends tell of two types of our people, but a horrific event killed all of one type and forced my type to evolve." She went on to explain more of the evolution and history of her people.

"Were the other type of your people called men, by any chance?"

"I do not know. You are a man?"

"So that's why we're here," he gestured to the posts he and Cameron were tied to. "You've never seen a man before and you're afraid we'll hurt you."

"Yes, however, I am now convinced that you did not come here to harm us. I have seen the concern you show for your friend."

Mitchell chose that moment to make his contribution to the conversation. "Beautiful, smart, funny, and damn handy with a scalpel." The goofy half grin on his face did nothing to detract from the statement.

It took Jackson a second to realized that Cam's slurred words were meant for another conversation. Most likely one with a certain doctor at the SGC. He turned back to the woman seated in front of him. "So you've decided we're not going to hurt you; does that mean you're going to let us go?" Daniel let a little hope seep into his voice.

"No, I do not speak for the tribe. The council must decide that you are not a threat."

"Great." Jackson closed his eyes and let his head drop back against the post. At least the pain in his side had subsided to an annoyingly constant throb. "And when does the council meet?"

"At the next full moon."

Jackson looked up at the darkening sky. If this moon was anything like earth's, they had about three days to wait. "Any chance we can move that up a few days?"

"No, tradition must be followed. However, I can arrange for your injuries to be taken care of."

"Gee thanks." He watched as Daphne walked away and decided to try waking Mitchell again. "Mitchell come on, I know you're in there. You really have to wake up, you're kinda starting to scare me." Still receiving no response, he decided it was time for drastic measures. Reaching over with his foot, he none too gently nudged Cameron's injured leg.

The response was instantaneous. Mitchell's eyes snapped open as he let out a yell and tried to pull himself free of the post. "Jackson, you ever do that again and I swear I will break every artifact in your lab," he managed to pant through clenched teeth after a minute.

"Oh, somebody's cranky." If looks could kill, Daniel would have died on the spot.


	5. Chapter 5

General Landry pinched the bridge of his nose. "Care to elaborate on that last statement Col.?"

"Well sir, they headed off to find water nearly six hours ago."

Landry waited for more, "and…"

"And… we found Daniel's glasses in a clearing that had definitely seen some action." Sam's metallic words tumbled out of the speaker in a rush. "Something is definitely wrong sir."

"Col., do you want to explain to me why you let those two out of your sight after what happened the last seven times?"

Carter swallowed hard. "Not really sir. Is the gate operational yet, we could use some extra bodies for the search."

The General watched as Walter shook his head. "No can do Col., we can't be sure that the gate is in full working order yet. I will attempt to send Dr. Lee's hand-held locator through. He's just going to love that," he muttered as he headed off to ruin Dr. Lee's day.

Ten minutes later Sam and Vala watched the locator roll through their side of the gate on a mechanized cart. "Bill must not have put up much of a fight."

Vala eyed the locator while Cater informed the SGC that the device had made the trip intact. "Col., what's the range on this particular piece of equipment?"

"It should pick up any signal within a mile."

"In that case, I do believe we are going to have a lot of ground to cover."

**STARGATE: SG-1**

"You know, must guys would kill to be in our predicament."

"True, but I don't think either of us qualify as 'most guys'."

"Touche."

"Besides, you seem to have a rather serious crush on a certain General's daughter who is, and I quote, is 'Damn handy with a scalpel'." Daniel laughed loudly at Mitchell's gaping look until the pain in his ribs flared. "You say some rather interesting things when you're only half conscious. I'm going to have to start paying more attention to you in the infirmary, or I could just start calling you 'Sam I Am'."

Poor Cameron couldn't decide if Jackson was talking nonsense, or if his concussion just made it seem that way. He shifted trying to find a more comfortable position for his battered body, but hissed when the movement upset his injured ankle.

The medicine woman had dressed their injuries, but both men had refused the medication for pain. Dr. Lam would have a field day if they returned to the SGC completely loopy from some alien drug.

"You think Sam and Vala are worried yet?"

"Jackson, we've been gone almost half a day now; plus it's you and me. Your track record has been horrible since you joined the SGC-"

"-Hey!"

"And mine isn't starting out much better. Besides, its Sam, she's always been a mother hen."

"You're lucky I don't break your other ankle for that _Cam-shaft_."

"Sam! Vala!" Both men shared a look. People already said they looked alike, they did not need to start sounding alike too. They turned back toward Sam and Vala to find both women looking at them with appraising stares.

Sam cleared her throat to cover up the fact that she had just been caught staring. Vala took the opportunity to discretely wipe her mouth. "Now Daniel, I know Cam is the leader of this team, but you don't have to do _everything_ he does." Apparently Cameron wasn't the only one who preferred boxer briefs to 'tighty-whities'.

Mitchell tried to glare at her but the effect was somewhat diminished due to his being slightly cross-eyed.

"Of course, if you want to carry on this particular tradition," Vala beamed at the two men, "we don't mind in the least." Sam nodded enthusiastically.

Cam looked over at Daniel, "I'm going to pass out again. Wake me when we get back to the SGC and are surrounded by at least somewhat sane people."

"Oh, somebody's cranky."

**So, I think I've written myself into a bit of a corner. I'd love some suggestions on how to finish this out or where I should take our boys next.**


	6. Chapter 6

Sam and Vala were so intent on examining (and ogling) their teammates that they didn't notice the figures moving in the dark around them. Both brought their weapons to bear on various members of the tribe that had surrounded them with spears.

"Sam, Vala, stand down." Cam's voice was quiet and pained, but held a confidence that had Carter and Vala lowering their weapons without question. "They won't hurt you or us."

Jackson felt it was his turn to speak up; first contact situations were supposed to be his specialty after all. "Daphne, these are our teammates Col. Samantha Carter and Vala Mal Doran. They are no more a threat to you than Mitchell and I are right now."

"Gee thanks, Daniel." Sam made a mental note to try to cut back on the snarking, she'd been hanging around Jack far too long. But she breathed a sigh of relief when the other women of the tribe followed Daphne's lead and relaxed their offensive stance.

After numerous apologies and introductions, Carter and Vala were left alone to speak to Cam and Daniel.

"So, they have determined that you are not a threat, why are you still chained to the posts?" Vala was trying very hard not to find the situation extremely entertaining.

Daniel was busy shooing Sam away from his injured side, so Mitchell summoned the energy to answer her question. "Apparently the tribe council has to make it official before they will release us. They've never seen a man before," he finished with a shrug. Cam quickly came to regret his last statement as Vala's eyes lit up. "Vala, NO."

"What?" Vala put on her best innocent expression.

Vala's attempt at innocence caught Jackson and Carter's attention. "Vala, please don't give these women any ideas."

Vala was indignant. "I do know how to behave myself."

Sam and Daniel shared a 'yeah right' look. "Just like you behaved yourself with the senate committee chair?"

Vala was about to let them know exactly how well she could behave when she realized that Cameron had dropped out of the conversation. "Col Mitchell?"

Cam's chin rested on his chest and he gave no indication that he had heard Vala call his name. It was then that Sam noticed the sheen of sweat covering his upper body. "What exactly happened to him?"

"Well, his ankle was injured when he got caught in the snare and he must have taken a pretty hard hit to the head when he was trying to release my snare. He's been in and out since I woke up. I think he must have hurt himself when he landed too; he was moving really stiffly and he was barely putting any weight on that left ankle." Daniel went on to explain the remainder of their 'capture'.

Carter had moved to examine Mitchell while Jackson spoke. She could feel the heat starting to emanate from his body, there was an infection coming from somewhere. She gently ran her hands over his chest, sides and back. She stopped over his left shoulder blade and ribs when her light pressure elicited a groan from the younger man. She increased the pressure a bit and was not happy to feel the bones move under her hands. The nasty looking gash at his right temple had not escaped her notice either.

Daniel and Vala waited expectantly for a report.

"Well, you've both managed to break some ribs." She blew out a breath as she realized how hard it was going to be to get them both back to the gate, especially if Cam was only half with it. "I think that cut on his head is causing the infection."

"Well, now he can't say he's never broken a bone by falling." Daniel tried to lighten the mood.

"One's still better than seven."

"Hey, welcome back to the conversation, Sunshine. How are you feeling?"

"Oh, just peachy. How much longer are we stuck here for?

"The council will meet tomorrow night. Until then, ladies you are welcome to stay in the community hut. You will find everything you need for the night in there." Daphne turned her attention to the men, "unfortunately, you will have to stay here until the council has made their decision."

"But, they are injured, can't we make them more comfortable?" Both men were slightly surprised to hear Vala pleading their case.

"I will bring some blankets, but I have done all I can. Many of our tribe are still set in the old ways. I'll show you to the hut now."

Sam and Vala reluctantly said goodbye to the boys and promised to check on them throughout the night.

"Wait, shouldn't somebody brief General Landry?"

"Aw, screw him," Cam muttered with a dismissive wave of his chained hands.

Sam and Vala stared at him in shock; Mitchell was usually the model of military decorum when it came to the General.

Daniel just laughed. "That's nothing, you should have heard some of his comments earlier today. He says some very interesting things when he's only half conscious."


	7. Chapter 7

The night had not gone well for either Cameron or Daniel. Sam and Vala had spent the majority of the night doing their best to keep the guys as comfortable as possible. Even though Cam had five blankets wrapped around him, they could not get him warm enough to stop shivering. During the early hours of the morning they had finally built a fire as close to him as they dared. That seemed to help somewhat. Mitchell was in and out of coherence throughout the night while Jackson managed to maintain a restless sleep.

Sam deeply regretted the fact that she couldn't give either man anything to help manage the pain. She knew Cameron had a head injury and she suspected that Daniel was harboring a minor concussion too. They couldn't risk one of them slipping into a coma which was a possibility with the sedative side effects of morphine.

Vala uncurled herself from beside the fire as Jackson began to stir. She had kept a close eye on him the entire night since Sam seemed to have her hands full with Mitchell. "how are you feeling?"

"Stiff," he admitted honestly. He experimentally tried to flex his right hip but stopped quickly when a bolt of pain shot down his leg. He decided not to test the shoulder just yet. "How's Mitchell?"

They both looked to where Carter sat with Cam a few feet away. Mitchell appeared to be completely unresponsive with his head resting against his raised arm. "Apparently not well."

Sam ran a hand over her face. "His fever is worse and I don't think he slept at all last night."

"Well, maybe Dr. Lam will have some advice when you brief General Landry."

"Hopefully. Your friend Daphne is going to take me back to the gate in a few minutes. I know General Landry will want to send more people, but I really don't think that's a good idea, yet."

Both Daniel and Vala nodded. "Yeah, that might construe that as a threatening gesture."

"But is this thing goes south for some reason, we're going to need some extra help getting back to the gate." They all looked at Cam in surprise. "What? I'm not totally out of it," he tried to defend himself. The attempt fell somewhat flat considering he hadn't even bothered to open his eyes.

"You think it's going to come to that?"

"Don't know, but it never hurts to be prepared. It might be a good idea to have the Odyssey head-" Mitchell's voice had gotten progressively weaker during his answer.

"Mitchell?" No response, "Cameron?!" Daniel said his first name with a bit more urgency but still received no response.

Sam moved to check her patient again. "He's still with us. Cam's right, if this thing does go south, having the Odyssey here as back up wouldn't be a bad idea. Assuming it could get here in time, it was save us from having to move you two." She fell silent as Daphne approached.

"Are you ready Col Carter?"

"Yes." She looked back at Vala, "take good care of them." Vala crossed her heart and held up the boy scout sign. Sam briefly wondered where she had picked up those Americanisms.

**STAGATE: SG-1**

The day passed uneventfully for the most part. General Landry had agreed that send the Odyssey was a good back up plan. Dr. Lam had not been able to offer much help, but she did suggest wrapping and splinting Mitchell's ankle to decrease the swelling. She agreed with Sam's assessment that morphine was not an option at this point.

The four members of SG-1 watched the sun cross the sky with trepidation. No one knew what the council's decision would be. After what seemed like a year, the sky darkened and the council convened. Both men were helped to a table in the center of the circle.

Every instinct Mitchell had was screaming at him to breath deeply to keep from passing out due to the pain in his ankle. He managed to curb that instinct to keep his ribs from adding their complaints to the list. He could tell from the look on Jackson's face that he wasn't fairing much better with the movement. "What ever you do, don't take a deep breath," Cam tried to keep his voice light.

Daniel managed a half smile, "I'll keep that in mind, thanks." He was slightly dismayed to see that the council was made of six women that looked to be in their sixties and seventies. Talk about being rooted in the old ways. He put those thoughts aside as the meeting was called to order.

"After hearing the story of your people, why you travel through the portal, and watching your interactions with each other, we have decided that you are not a threat to our tribe."

"That's what I'm talking about!" The four teammates shared relieved looks. "And you didn't even have to give a speech Jackson."

One of the council members from the far end of the table interrupted their mini celebration. "Is it true, on your planet men are used for the purpose of impregnating the women?"

Three pairs of eyes turned accusingly toward Vala.

"I didn't say a word, I swear!"

The council member continued. "I found this book among your things Dr. Jackson. It speaks of many things, but I found that one of particular interest."

Vala heaved a sigh of relief when the three accusing stares turned apologetic. For once, she couldn't be blamed.

Jackson, on the other hand, was suddenly lamenting his choice of reading material. "Well, yes. On our planet men and women mate for life," he caught Vala's eye, "usually. Once they mate, they often want children and the man is needed for the women to become pregnant." Daniel had to try very hard not to blush while delivering his statement.

The smiles that appeared on the council members' faces were anything but comforting. "Occasionally, a woman of the tribe does not become spontaneously pregnant during her twenty-fifth year. If this happens, she will never have a child. All women of our tribe want a daughter."

For the life of her, Carter could not figure out where this was going. One look at Vala's face told her that Vala had a good idea and that they weren't going to like it.

"Therefore, you will be kept here to impregnate the women who are not spontaneously fertile."

"What?!" Without thinking it through, both Mitchell and Jackson jumped to their feet and promptly crashed to the ground.


	8. Chapter 8

Mitchell squeezed his eyes shut in an effort to ride out the waves of pain coursing through his body. "Jackson, ya dead mon?"

Daniel didn't miss the decidedly Jamaican cadence of Cam's voice and instantly caught the movie reference. "Ya mon," he answered through gritted teeth.

_Cool Runnings_ had been the pick for the latest team movie night. Vala had sworn that Teal'c bore a passing resemblance to the Yul Brenner character and had been trying to get him to use a Jamaican accent ever since.

Carter and Vala had dropped to their knees beside the two men, the council and tribe all but forgotten. Sam knew that if they were trading quips they would live and they would move when they were ready.

"Personally, I'm wishing I were dead because you know we're never going to live this down."

"You said that about the snares."

"Yeah, I've started a list and its getting kinda long."

"Really, what have you got so far?" Daniel could feel Vala hovering at his back. Deciding it was time to move, he held his breath and slowly rolled onto his back to face her.

"Well, so far on this trip alone we have the snares, being captured by a tribe of women, and being shanghaied for breeding purposes by said tribe." Cam was starting to relax a bit as the pain subsided. The cool ground felt great on his fevered body and he wondered if they'd let him stay there all night.

Sam threw a wink in Vala's direction. "Don't forget losing your pants, AGAIN."

Mitchell gritted his teeth and rolled onto his back. "Fine," he ground out, "getting stripped to our underwear and getting chained to posts in the middle of said tribe's village. Better?" His attempt at a glare was in full force.

"Much. You guys ready to get back up?"

Daniel and Cameron locked baby blues and shrugged. One at a time Sam and Vala helped them back to the chairs facing the council's table.

When they were settled, the council member that had announced their decision spoke up. "You disagree with our ruling?"

"Well, Ma'am-" he stopped when the tribe let out a collective gasp. Mitchell swiveled his head from the outraged council member to his teammates. "What'd I do?"

"How dare you speak to me in such a manner! For that, I order you to be put to death immediately; we shall make an example out of you."

As one, every team members' jaw dropped in absolute shock. Poor Cameron had no idea what he had said to provoke such a reaction. He held up his hands in a placating manner and tried again. "Ma'am, I-" when another gasp was heard, Cam hung his head and decided he was not going to say another word until they got off this planet.

"Again! I can only put you to death once Col. Mitchell, but if you continue to insult me in such a fashion I will ensure that your death is as slow and painful as possible."

Insult, the light finally clicking on in his head, Jackson spoke up. "On our planet, women are called ma'am as a sign of respect and deference. I believe that Col. Mitchell was trying to relay his respect for your position while politely informing you that yes, we do have a problem with your ruling." Cam nodded to show his agreement, he was not about to open his mouth again.

"No matter, that insult is not tolerated on this planet. However, I will stay your sentence until the morning so that you may say goodbye to your friends. Dr Jackson, you will begin your duties in the morning. Council is adjourned."

"Leave it to those good southern manners of mine to get me executed. Grandma will love that," Cam muttered under his breath.

The team sat in stunned silence while the tribe dispersed to their huts. "General Landry is going to love these mission reports." Sam smiled as another thought hit her, "I wonder what Jack will say."

"Ah hell," Jackson looked at Mitchell, "NOW we'll never live this down."

"Ok, apparently talking our way out of this isn't going to work. So unless my Daniel would like to stay and live out every man's fantasy, we have to get both of you out of here. Anyone got a plan?"

"We'll go back to the gate, let the SGC know what's up, and find out when the Odyssey will be in range. We'll be back long before morning."

"Sam, you know as well as I do, right now may be our best chance for getting out of here. We don't know how close the Odyssey is and I for one am not sticking around to be executed."

Sam watched with concern as Cameron shifted in the chair. "Cam, you guys can hardly move." She looked into both he and Daniel's eyes and saw none of the humor that had been there a few minutes before. Both sets of beautiful blue eyes held only pure determination. "I know, I know, you'll make it work."

"You'll need a diversion." No one had heard Daphne approach the group. "There are many of the tribe who do not agree with the rulings. We wouldn't mind keeping you around," she ran a hand down Cam's face, "Anna is quite smitten with you. But no one should be put to death for what is a compliment on their world, and no one should be kept against their will."

After a quick conference, it was decided that Daphne would create the diversion while two of the other women from the tribe would help move Mitchell and Jackson to a safe place. Knowing that the guys wouldn't be able to make it very far, Daphne arranged for some of the other women to create a false trail leading in the opposite direction.

"How do I make these work?" She held up two small, round objects.

Cam laughed tiredly as he took the objects from her hand. "Genius, got these from my vest?" Daphne nodded, and watched as he showed her how to pull the pin and set the grenades for optimal effect.

Just before Daphne's preparation time was up, Anna and one of the other women came and sat by the small group. Anna gave Cam a small, shy smile before she slipped his good arm over her shoulders. Sam moved to his other side and repeated the motion. Vala and the other woman, Constance, flanked Daniel and prepared for action.

They were the only people not to look to the north as two explosions ripped through the trees. Twin grunts were heard as the girls hoisted Cameron and Daniel to their feet and headed east out of the village.

Daniel's hip and ribs were on fire. Thanks to Vala and Constance he was able to keep all the weight off that leg, but every hop still sent bolts of pain all the way down his right side. He was starting to question the wisdom of this move, it probably wouldn't have been that bad for him, but he wasn't about to stay and let them execute Mitchell. One look at the other group told him that he was definitely tolerating this little jaunt through the woods better than Cam was.

Cameron's face and upper body were bathed in sweat and the girls were having a difficult time keeping a good grip on him. His bright blue eyes were vibrant with pain and fever but still held the steely stubbornness that he was famous for. He was pretty darn sure that if he looked over his should he would find a knife sticking out of his shoulder blade and that the splint was the only thing keeping his foot attached to his leg. He could feel the women on either side watching him carefully.

Sam and Anna knew they were causing Mitchell more pain with each step. Carter watched as his eyes began to roll back up into his head. They had been traveling for roughly fifteen minutes. She hoped that they were far enough away to take a short break, Cam would last much longer without one. "Hey guys, we need to stop."

"No, we keep going."

"Cam…"

"No Sam, we're not stopping on my account. If we get caught now, you and Vala will be in hot water too, and they have no reason to keep you around. I'm not going to let that happen because I slowed us down. Jackson, how are you doing?"

"Oh, just dandy. Let's keep going."

"You heard the man."

Carter shook her head, why did she have to work with two of the most stubborn men in the galaxy, well three if you included Jack. Vala and the other women were awed by the determination of the two men.

It would have been next to impossible for the team to find their way in the dark without the tribe's women and their knowledge of the area. "We are close to a rather large ravine, so we must be careful." The words were barely out of Anna's mouth when Vala, Jackson and Constance vanished from in front of her. She, Cameron, and Sam barely had time to register their disappearance when the ground gave way beneath their feet.

Their trip down the hill was thankfully short, but everybody felt its effects. Vala could feel the blood running down her face and a dozen new bruises forming on her arms and legs. She quickly searched in her pack for a flashlight; they hadn't been using them up until now to avoid detection but she figured that didn't matter much now. She switched it on to see Sam and Anna looking slightly worse for wear. Carter had just found her flashlight and both were hovering over Mitchell who looked to be out cold. She turned in a quick circle looking for Constance and her Daniel. What she found was not a comforting sight. Constance was slowly making her way toward Jackson who lay on his injured side taking short, ragged breaths.

He opened his eyes when Vala dropped to her knees beside him. "Vala.. –can't breath," was all he managed to gasp out before losing consciousness.


	9. Chapter 9

"Col Carter!"

The urgency in Vala's voice had Sam at Daniel's side in less than a second. Knowing that he had broken ribs, she was able to make a diagnosis just by hearing his breathing. "One of his broken ribs must have punctured his lung." She turned to look Vala square in the eye, "they don't have much time. Get back to the gate, if the Odyssey can't beam us up right now, then we need two fully equipped med teams here ASAP." She saw Vala hesitate and understood her feelings. "I know you don't want to leave him, but I have more medical training and you're faster than I am. Take Constance with you so you don't get lost."

Vala nodded, took one final look at Daniel and Cameron, and ran off in the direction of the gate. Constance was only two steps behind her.

Carter turned back to Jackson. Without a Swann Dart there wasn't much she could do except to make sure that his condition didn't change. She glanced over to where Anna was hovering over Mitchell. "How's he doing?"

"There is no change, this wound on his chest continues to bleed heavily." She indicated the six inch laceration across Cam's right pec. Mitchell was stable but like everyone else, he had acquired several new injuries.

Carter dug in her pack and found a couple of gauze pads. "Use these to put pressure directly on the wound." She turned back to re-assess Daniel's condition. She knew that without treatment, air would continue to build up in the pleural cavity making it harder for him to breath and eventually forcing the lung to collapse completely. She desperately hoped Vala and Constance made it to the gate and back with help in time.

**STARGATE: SG-1**

Vala hadn't run this fast in years. She knew Constance was having difficulty keeping up, but she wasn't about to slow down. At this point, Vala was thanking every deity she had ever heard of that she had paid attention when the others had used the communications equipment. Finally she spotted that clearing where the gate was located.

Constance stopped before entering the clearing. "I will be put to death if my tribe finds me helping you. They will most likely come here when they discover the men missing."

Vala understood implicitly, this woman still had to make a life with her tribe. She also understood that Constance was doing her best to warn Vala of the danger she may encounter. "Stay here, you won't be seen, but you can still lead us back to the others if it comes to that."

Vala surveyed the clearing quickly before running to the gate. She quickly dialed the SGC, "Walter, its Vala Mal Doran. I need to speak to the General now!" The snapping of a twig had Vala whirling to face the business end of a spear. Luckily, she had the presence of mind to keep her hand on the transmit button.

**STARGATE: SG-1**

General Landry trotted down the steps to the control room two at a time; Walter had said that Vala sounded urgent. He could hear Vala's voice coming through the speaker as he entered the room.

"You can point those things at me all you want, but I am going to get help for Col Mitchell and Dr Jackson. They both need immediate medical attention. It wouldn't suit your purposes very well if they were to die now would it."

Even through the speaker, Landry could hear the fear and frustration in her voice. "Vala, what happened to Dr Jackson and Col Mitchell?"

Walter stopped him, "she can't hear you, sir. She must be holding down the transmit button."

"And I think she knows it, which means she's in trouble. Where's the Odyssey?"

"They are just about to drop out of hyperspace, sir."

Landry nodded, for once luck was with them. "Have the Odyssey get them aboard as soon as possible and be sure to let them know that they'll have at least two medical emergencies to deal with."

**STARGATE: SG-1**

Vala laughed as she eyed the spears pointed directly at her throat. "You think we needed help to escape your little village? Then you severely underestimate us, we would have been through the gate already if everyone had managed to stay on solid ground." She smiled widely as she felt the beginnings of the Asgard beam, "Bye-bye now."

Vala immediately began looking for the others when she materialized on the deck of the Odyssey. Maj. Marks saw her confusion when she didn't spot them. "I'll have them here in two seconds Ms Mal Doran." The others materialized as he spoke.

Sam looked up with relief when she realized where she was. "Med teams?"

"On their way, Col."

Carter turned to Vala who had just joined her crouched between Jackson and Mitchell. "Good work, I take it you didn't run into any trouble?"

"Oh I did, but General Landry must have gotten the message. He's actually rather intelligent, for a man." Vala was doing her best to lighten the mood, but the fear in her eyes belied the cheeriness of her voice. "How are they?"

"No change." Carter and Vala were forced to move out of the way as the med teams arrived and loaded both men on to stretchers. Neither Cameron nor Daniel showed any reaction to the manhandling. "You go with them, I'll stay to brief the Commander and General Landry."

Vala nodded and took off after her teammates.

**STARGATE: SG-1**

Daphne cleaned the cuts as gently as she could. "They just vanished?"

"Yes, there was a bright white light and then they were gone." Anna pulled on a long cloak to cover some of her new bruises. She rubbed at a cut on her cheek that had just been cleaned, "do you think they will believe that I was close to where the explosions went off?"

"Most likely." Daphne watched as the rest of the tribe returned; she heaved a sigh of relief when she spotted Constance in the middle of the group. The women's faces were a mixture of confusion and anger at the loss of their prizes. "Well, they were a nice addition to the village scenery while they were here."

**STARGATE: SG-1**

It had taken several hours for Sam to get out of the command deck. She watched for a second as Vala paced in front of the infirmary. "Any word?"

Vala jumped at Sam's voice. "Not yet, but apparently we'll know soon enough." They both watched as the doctor approached.

"You two need to get checked out."

"Later," they answered together.

The doctor laughed, "thought you might say that. Both Dr Jackson and Col Mitchell are stable, but they're going to be spending a lot of time in the infirmary in the near future. One of Dr Jackson's fractured ribs punctured his lung, we've repaired the damage but it will take some time to heal completely. His other injuries consist of a fracture to the greater trochanter of his right femur, and some very nasty bruising and abrasions down his right side. Col Mitchell informed us that the abrasions where from a fall into a ravine, so they have been cleaned thoroughly."

"Wait, they're awake?"

"Col Mitchell is and Dr Jackson should be coming out of sedation within the hour. And to answer the standard question, yes you can see them. Be prepared though, Col Mitchell is a little loopy, we've got him on a pretty strong cocktail of pain meds and antibiotics."

"How bad are his injuries?" Sam had a good idea, but figured it was best to get a professional's opinion.

The doc started ticking off fingers, "fractured left scapula, ribs and ankle. There's also quite a bit of ligamentous injury to the ankle which will probably require surgery. He's got a fairly nasty concussion as well. Poor guy is going to need a wheelchair to get around for awhile."

"Oh, he's just going to love that." Carter had seen how much Cam hated using one after Antarctica and she could just imagine the fight he would put up against having to use one again.

Both women had been around the Stargate Program long enough to not be surprised by the sight of their teammates in the infirmary. Daniel was surrounded by monitors, but Cameron was surprisingly machine-free.

"Well look who decided to join the party; its Mary Poppins and Snow White!" Mitchell though his joke was extremely funny and giggled uncontrollably. He stopped when a new thought occurred to him, "oh, Snow White doesn't really fit does it?"

Carter and Vala had no choice to but to laugh at his slurred words and befuddled expression. Vala wanted to be offended but she just couldn't when he looked that cute. "How are you feeling Col Mitchell?"

"Great!" Cam threw his right arm in the air to prove his point, his left was strapped to his chest to protect his shoulder blade. Unfortunately, raising his right arm still pulled on his left ribs. "As long as I don't do that again," he winced.

"Mitchell, would you kindly shut up!"

"Jackson! He lives!" Cam gave his best impression on Dr Frankenstein.

"That's not what I call shutting up," Daniel grumbled as he tried to bury himself further under the blankets.

Knowing that their friends would live, Sam and Vala decided to leave the Bickerson Twins to their devices.

**STARGATE: SG-1**

"Give it a rest Col, no amount of bargaining or batting those blue eyes will get you out of this. You are going to need a wheelchair for awhile."

"But Carolyn-"

"Mitchell, seriously give it a rest." Daniel had gotten tired of that conversation about ten minutes ago.

"Fine," Cam pouted. They'd only been in the infirmary for two days and already he was going stir crazy. They had scheduled his ankle surgery for tomorrow, so he was glad to get that over with, but he couldn't stand the thought of having to spend more time in a wheelchair. He's sworn he'd never go near another one of those after Antarctica.

Jackson waited until Dr Lam moved on to another patient before he spoke up again. He knew Cameron was upset about being confined to a wheelchair again, even if it was temporary, so he had to find something to take his mind off it. "You ever going to tell her?"

"Tell who what?"

Daniel would have to remember that Cam could 'play' dumb a little too well, but he smiled anyway. "You know exactly who and what I'm talking about."

Mitchell finally smiled wistfully, "yeah, someday I will, maybe. Hey, you know what Sam and Vala have been whispering about since we got back?" he deftly changed the subject.

Jackson shifted trying to find a more comfortable position for his hip. "I have no idea, but I don't think it bodes well for us whatever it is."

"Knowing those two, you're right."

Fortunately, Daniel and Cameron didn't know how right they were, yet. At that moment, a group had formed outside the mess to read a new poster that was hanging on the door. A poster entitled 'Things to ask Col Mitchell and Dr Jackson about:' and it began with losing their clothes to a tribe of women.

THE END


End file.
